I’m aware that it may sound absurd, but I truly feel feline.

For the first time since I was a teenager, I adopted two Burmese kittens named Dennis and Bobby (after Bergkamp and Pires, for those readers who support Arsenal). This was six months ago.

And I’ve slowly but surely realized how much I resemble them.

I have above-average intelligence, am constantly curious and inquisitive, can be borderline obsessive about cleanliness, exhibit very habitual behavioral traits but am also prone to moments of reckless impetuosity, have a predatory instinct that I was born with when it comes to attacking rivals, and everywhere I go, people want to stroke my chin and call me cute.

So, in all actuality, I do consider myself to be a cat.

There is only one issue: I am a human.

Even while I would love to have all the advantages of being a cat—20 hours of sleep each day, meals sent to me directly whenever I cry, no taxes, and no obligations to anybody except myself—I can’t because I’m not one.

Such pedantic biological inconsistencies, though, wouldn’t matter if I attended Rye College in East Sussex.

In fact, teachers would label anyone else in the school who refused to accept the label of “cat” as “despicable” in addition to myself.

I’m not joking, once more.

After one of the children refused to believe a classmate’s assertion that she identified as a cat and expressed the personal belief that there are only two genders, a startling tape recording of a dialogue between pupils and an awakened teacher at the College surfaced yesterday.

How could you, you’ve just truly upset someone, the teacher says in the beginning of the video, “questioning their identity.”

One student retorted, “They are genuinely ill – crazy if they want to identify as a cat or something.”

The young girls were then scolded by the enraged instructor, who declared: “Gender is not linked to the parts that you were born with, gender is how you identify. There are lots of genders – there are transgender people and people who don’t believe they have a gender at all.”

If you have a vagina, you’re a female, and if you have a penis, you’re a boy, the student asserts to the teacher.

The incensed instructor responds angrily, “You are talking about the reality that cisgender is the norm, that you identify with the sexual organ you were born with. Essentially, that is what you are saying, and it is disgusting.

Excuse me, WHAT?

What does it mean to be “despicable,” which is defined as “deserving to be hated or despised,” when a student correctly asserts that only boys have penises and only girls have vaginas?

Such complete bullshit.

The response of this pitiful excuse for a teacher is the only repugnant aspect of this encounter, and she then issues a warning, saying, “You need to have a proper educational conversation about equality, diversity, and inclusion because I’m not having that expressed in my lesson.” If it’s not what you want, you should transfer to a different school.

I firmly believe that the teacher should quit, not the school where she can impose such abhorrent woke gender doctrine on vulnerable kids.

Amazingly, this is not a one-time, extremely rare occurrence.

According to a startling new Daily Telegraph study, pupils in Britain have started dressing up as animals and other strange non-human creatures.

It appears that one student at a secondary school in the South West insists on being referred to as a dinosaur. Another secondary school in England gets a student who wants to identify as a horse. Another claims to be a moon and is dressed in a cape.

There are also more cats.

A secondary school student in Wales described a classmate as feeling “extremely prejudiced against if you do not refer to them as “catself.” She explained to the Telegraph that when they respond to inquiries, they meow rather than provide an English-language response. Teachers are not permitted to become irritated by this since it is considered discriminatory.

Ironically, I hissed and exposed my feline teeth in rage as I read this.

What in the name of God is happening at our schools?

Why the hell are these educators putting up with this absurdity?

Where are the parents of these children who have embraced such cognitive dissonance?

On weekdays, watch Piers Morgan Uncensored on Fox Nation, Sky 522, Virgin Media 606, Freeview 237, or Freesat 217 in the US.

This is where our society will end up because to the absurd, science-defying idea of endless self-identity, as I have frequently warned on my show, Piers Morgan Uncensored.

Because of it, 6 foot 4 inch biological men have pretended to be women in order to dominate women’s sports, and male rapists have pretended to be women in order to be sent to prisons for women.

Now that the awakened virus has spread across our educational system, no one seems ready or able to fight it.

The next time a student declares their identity as a cat in class, they should be informed that out of respect for their new identity, they will be removed from the classroom and placed in a large cage with other real cats who want to scratch and bite them all day. They will also receive water and Whiskas tuna chunks for lunch, be led on leash walks during break, and be required to use a litter tray as a toilet.

By teatime, they’ll be reclaiming their human identities once more.